dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
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