"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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