Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
