I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
