this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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