I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
