pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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