No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
