I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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