The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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