im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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