Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
