sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
