sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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