I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
