Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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