it wasn't lemon gatorade
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
