By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Randomize
