I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
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