My liver just broke up with me...
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
