so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Randomize
