I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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