Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
as a side note pls kill me
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
