I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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