I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
