I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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