Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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