You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
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