dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I think I sprained my soul last night
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
