you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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