Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
