There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
