I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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