Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
