Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
