What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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