i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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