five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
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