I bet he comes in French.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
