we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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