so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
