She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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