Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
