i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
