i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
