She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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