I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I've blown a few things in my day
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
