I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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