i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
