i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
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